I love candy.
One of the very first things I ever learned about my best friend Aimee was that she loved sour candy, especially sour gummy worms. And she has to eat candies by the twos. Meaning she has to eat two M&Ms or one gummy worm and bite it in half so that she can chew one on each side. It's even that way. I'm a threes kind of girl. I eat candy in threes. One on each side and then bite the third one in half. There is something rebellious about eating candy in threes instead of twos.
My all time favorite candy bar is Snickers. My boyfriend knows this about me. In fact, his favorite candy bar is Snickers as well (and Reeses). The one gift he's given me the most is Snickers...or caramels. :)
Candy and I go way back. We have a lot of good memories. My cousin and I used to have a hidden candy stash in her room. The second drawer in her desk. Every time I went over to her house (which was about every other week), she would have some new candy that we would stay up late and eat. However, the only downside was that her brother knew where the candy drawer was too. If ever there was something missing, we would yell at Dan.
Two pinks in my Starburst pack! My cousin Sara and I would stay up late, eating candy, making weird concoctions with candy and popcorn and more candy. We would drink lots of pop, paint our nails, and talk about boys. And then we would record ourselves and listen to us acting like weirdos. The strangest concoction we ever made was boiling Mountain Dew and then adding sour gummy worms. Then we froze it and drank it. Oh, we also made "vanilla" pudding with sour gummy worms as well.
Fun Dip and Pixy Stix were the best. We would eat the stick in the Fun Dip and then chug all the sugar from the package until we bounced off the walls (literally).
Aimee and I would eat sour gummy worms until the package was gone. Until we found a new sour candy: Zips. Unfortunately there was only one place that carried them. They were a rare commodity. There have been many a saved road trip though, thanks to Airhead Extremes. The sugary sour rainbow belts of super awesome goodness!
Ice fishing with my cousins always consisted of more candy than was necessary. The old-fashioned raspberry hard candies, with the raspberry filling. The hard ribbon candy. Playing my air-guitar to "Sadie Hawkins' Dance" blasting from the fish house. And having my uncle drive us around the ice, spinning in circles in their Jeep. Eating so much chocolate that we swore we saw a ring around the moon.
Cadbury cream eggs. That's all I have to say. They were my favorite Easter candy. No chocolate bunnies or solid chocolate eggs or even robins' eggs. I got one once that was completely solid cream on the inside. It wasn't liquidy or creamy or anything. I was so disappointed that the following Easter I refused to eat one. I don't think I've had one since. Not because I don't like them, but because I don't think anyone knows that I do.
If I could eat candy with every meal I would. I want to make my own candy some day. I don't even know why I love it so much. The soft sweetness of chocolate...with peanuts (mmm, Mr. Goodbar) to the sweet tang of sour anything (Pixy Stix). It makes me wonder if the saying "you are what you eat" is really true. If so, I am sweet, tangy, sour, and sometimes nutty. ;P
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Healing
The story of Lisa was just that. A story. I'm sure what people don't realize is how Lisa is all of us.
Our hurt and pain permeate throughout our souls like cancer. I know so many people (kids, teens, college students, and adults) who have deep afflictions. They have been hurt while growing up either by the community, their friends, their peers, family members, older people, etc. They have suffered abuse or neglect of any kind: sexual, verbal, physical, emotional abuse. They have been abandoned by family members or friends through divorce or being ignored by a parent or friend. They are lonely. They suffer self-esteem issues because they never had their need for love met when they were younger, or they were told they were fat or ugly or not good enough. They don't feel adequate. They don't feel special or important. They don't feel captivating or that they have what it takes.
And so they turn to things that numb the pain but don't make them better. Cutting and self-mutilation, drugs and alcohol, eating disorders, obsessions, sex and lust and pornography, boyfriends and girlfriends, recklessness and attention-seeking behavior, just to name a few. In our hurt, these things become our aspirin to numb and forget about the pain. We tell everyone we're fine. These actions are not condemned by society. They seem okay, so they'll work for us.
But if you are sick, wouldn't you go to the doctor to become healthy again? If you've had a headache for more than a week, wouldn't the logical thing to do be to go see what's wrong and get help? You wouldn't mask the disease with pain killers. You would (hopefully) want to get to the bottom of what is going on in your body so you can get better.
I feel like so often people have deep hurts and needs but instead of getting them healed and getting better they take "pain killers" to get by. Drugs, sex, eating disorders, will only get you by for so long. The pain comes back in full force afterwards. We need to go to the Doctor. It just seems like the sensible thing to do if you want to get better.
This fall my brother ended up going swimming in a hot tub. Like actual swimming. Underwater and everything. He had a bad earache afterwards and he refused to go to the doctor. When you're 7 years old (and maybe even 70 years), the doctor is kind of a scary place. You get shots there. They shove those popsicle sticks down your throat when it hurts. They draw your blood with a needle in your arm. But we finally persuaded him that if he wanted to feel better and not have pain in his ear, then he needed to go to the doctor. He got ear drops and felt better a week later.
The Doctor's is not always a fun process. Sometimes it's painful. He looks at what's wrong with us and runs some tests which sometimes last quite long. He usually prescribes us with medicine, but the medicine doesn't always cure us the next day. Or perhaps radiation treatment for our cancer that lasts months, even years. Healing is a process that takes time. But in the end it is worth it. You feel healthy and happy again.
The Healer can cure you. You just need to let Him.
Our hurt and pain permeate throughout our souls like cancer. I know so many people (kids, teens, college students, and adults) who have deep afflictions. They have been hurt while growing up either by the community, their friends, their peers, family members, older people, etc. They have suffered abuse or neglect of any kind: sexual, verbal, physical, emotional abuse. They have been abandoned by family members or friends through divorce or being ignored by a parent or friend. They are lonely. They suffer self-esteem issues because they never had their need for love met when they were younger, or they were told they were fat or ugly or not good enough. They don't feel adequate. They don't feel special or important. They don't feel captivating or that they have what it takes.
And so they turn to things that numb the pain but don't make them better. Cutting and self-mutilation, drugs and alcohol, eating disorders, obsessions, sex and lust and pornography, boyfriends and girlfriends, recklessness and attention-seeking behavior, just to name a few. In our hurt, these things become our aspirin to numb and forget about the pain. We tell everyone we're fine. These actions are not condemned by society. They seem okay, so they'll work for us.
But if you are sick, wouldn't you go to the doctor to become healthy again? If you've had a headache for more than a week, wouldn't the logical thing to do be to go see what's wrong and get help? You wouldn't mask the disease with pain killers. You would (hopefully) want to get to the bottom of what is going on in your body so you can get better.
I feel like so often people have deep hurts and needs but instead of getting them healed and getting better they take "pain killers" to get by. Drugs, sex, eating disorders, will only get you by for so long. The pain comes back in full force afterwards. We need to go to the Doctor. It just seems like the sensible thing to do if you want to get better.
This fall my brother ended up going swimming in a hot tub. Like actual swimming. Underwater and everything. He had a bad earache afterwards and he refused to go to the doctor. When you're 7 years old (and maybe even 70 years), the doctor is kind of a scary place. You get shots there. They shove those popsicle sticks down your throat when it hurts. They draw your blood with a needle in your arm. But we finally persuaded him that if he wanted to feel better and not have pain in his ear, then he needed to go to the doctor. He got ear drops and felt better a week later.
The Doctor's is not always a fun process. Sometimes it's painful. He looks at what's wrong with us and runs some tests which sometimes last quite long. He usually prescribes us with medicine, but the medicine doesn't always cure us the next day. Or perhaps radiation treatment for our cancer that lasts months, even years. Healing is a process that takes time. But in the end it is worth it. You feel healthy and happy again.
The Healer can cure you. You just need to let Him.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Suffering
"Ugh! My head hurts!"
"Do you have a headache, or did you hit it getting into the car again?"
Lisa was rubbing her temple where the pain was growing. This was the second day in a row that she had woken up with a migraine. Normally she never got migraines. Maybe she needed to go get her eyes checked. Francie was chuckling, probably remembering the time last week when Lisa had hit her head on the door frame and almost blacked out. Personally, it had not been that funny.
Francie drove on, talking animatedly about her date last night with her boyfriend. Lisa could barely hear her over the pounding in her head. Maybe she would just skip out on school and spend the afternoon sleeping in the lounge.
The day had ended up dragging on. Lisa had taken a short nap on the couch in the school lounge, but awoke with the migraine still. She was looking forward to getting home and taking some aspirin and going back to bed. Why was she so tired?
The second her alarm went off, Lisa sat up in bed. And then she wished she hadn't. A sharp pain spread throughout her forehead and top of her head. This headache still wasn't gone!
"How did you sleep, Lisa?" her mom asked from the stove, making pancakes. Thursday was pancake day.
"Not very well. My head has been hurting a lot."
"Didn't you have a headache on Tuesday too?"
"Yeah..." Lisa contemplated whether she should add yesterday to that mix too. She could see where this was going, fueling her mother's concern.
"If you've been having headaches so frequently, maybe we should go to the doctor."
"No, mom. I'm fine. I'll just take some more aspirin before I go to school."
The aspirin didn't help. Lisa spent the day in class miserable, barely able to focus on a word the teacher was saying. Again she came home and went straight to bed without saying a word to her mother.
"Mom, where's the aspirin? Are we all out?"
"Is your head still hurting?" her mother turned to her with a furrowed, worried brow.
She took some time, thinking about whether she should tell the truth. She could barely make that decision without wanting to stab a knife into her forehead to get rid of the pain.
"Yeah..." *sigh*
"Honey, aspirin will only numb the pain for awhile. Maybe we should go to the doctor to see why you've been having so many headaches."
"No...I'm fine, mom. It doesn't hurt that bad. It's just a dull pain now, almost like it's going away." Flat out lie. Oops.
"Okay..."
The next morning Lisa could not even contemplate getting out of bed. It was a Saturday and she really didn't have to if she didn't want to. She would use that to her advantage. No one would have to know that it was because her head hurt so bad that the side of her face was numb. She turned that side to the cool pillow and applied as much pressure as she could without wanting to vomit. Why did it hurt so bad? She wanted to take a bazillion aspirin and go back to sleep, hoping that the pain would go away if she just slept more.
Later that day her mom came in to check on her.
"Lisa, are you okay, dear?"
"I'm fine," she mumbled. She did not want to move her mouth too much or her head might explode.
"Are you sure? It's nearly 2 o'clock and you haven't gotten out of bed yet. Aren't you hungry?"
"No. I'm fine."
Her mom turned to leave and Lisa became desperate.
"Mom? Can you get me some aspirin?"
"Is your head still hurting?"
She didn't answer.
"I'm going to go and call the doctor. We're going to go and see what's wrong. If your head still hurts, after how many days, then aspirin is not going to help."
Lisa didn't have the strength to argue.
"I'm so glad we caught you in time. The tumor looks like it's cancerous. But thank God it hasn't spread very far yet."
Lisa was feeling oddly empty. What would have happened if she hadn't gone to the doctor?
"We can get you into chemo as soon as next week, and then over the next few months, we'll be able to shrink the tumor until we can get rid of it."
She wanted it gone now. She had stronger medication now to ease the pain, but it would be months before it was actually gone. Why would it take so long?
"Do you have a headache, or did you hit it getting into the car again?"
Lisa was rubbing her temple where the pain was growing. This was the second day in a row that she had woken up with a migraine. Normally she never got migraines. Maybe she needed to go get her eyes checked. Francie was chuckling, probably remembering the time last week when Lisa had hit her head on the door frame and almost blacked out. Personally, it had not been that funny.
Francie drove on, talking animatedly about her date last night with her boyfriend. Lisa could barely hear her over the pounding in her head. Maybe she would just skip out on school and spend the afternoon sleeping in the lounge.
The day had ended up dragging on. Lisa had taken a short nap on the couch in the school lounge, but awoke with the migraine still. She was looking forward to getting home and taking some aspirin and going back to bed. Why was she so tired?
The second her alarm went off, Lisa sat up in bed. And then she wished she hadn't. A sharp pain spread throughout her forehead and top of her head. This headache still wasn't gone!
"How did you sleep, Lisa?" her mom asked from the stove, making pancakes. Thursday was pancake day.
"Not very well. My head has been hurting a lot."
"Didn't you have a headache on Tuesday too?"
"Yeah..." Lisa contemplated whether she should add yesterday to that mix too. She could see where this was going, fueling her mother's concern.
"If you've been having headaches so frequently, maybe we should go to the doctor."
"No, mom. I'm fine. I'll just take some more aspirin before I go to school."
The aspirin didn't help. Lisa spent the day in class miserable, barely able to focus on a word the teacher was saying. Again she came home and went straight to bed without saying a word to her mother.
"Mom, where's the aspirin? Are we all out?"
"Is your head still hurting?" her mother turned to her with a furrowed, worried brow.
She took some time, thinking about whether she should tell the truth. She could barely make that decision without wanting to stab a knife into her forehead to get rid of the pain.
"Yeah..." *sigh*
"Honey, aspirin will only numb the pain for awhile. Maybe we should go to the doctor to see why you've been having so many headaches."
"No...I'm fine, mom. It doesn't hurt that bad. It's just a dull pain now, almost like it's going away." Flat out lie. Oops.
"Okay..."
The next morning Lisa could not even contemplate getting out of bed. It was a Saturday and she really didn't have to if she didn't want to. She would use that to her advantage. No one would have to know that it was because her head hurt so bad that the side of her face was numb. She turned that side to the cool pillow and applied as much pressure as she could without wanting to vomit. Why did it hurt so bad? She wanted to take a bazillion aspirin and go back to sleep, hoping that the pain would go away if she just slept more.
Later that day her mom came in to check on her.
"Lisa, are you okay, dear?"
"I'm fine," she mumbled. She did not want to move her mouth too much or her head might explode.
"Are you sure? It's nearly 2 o'clock and you haven't gotten out of bed yet. Aren't you hungry?"
"No. I'm fine."
Her mom turned to leave and Lisa became desperate.
"Mom? Can you get me some aspirin?"
"Is your head still hurting?"
She didn't answer.
"I'm going to go and call the doctor. We're going to go and see what's wrong. If your head still hurts, after how many days, then aspirin is not going to help."
Lisa didn't have the strength to argue.
"I'm so glad we caught you in time. The tumor looks like it's cancerous. But thank God it hasn't spread very far yet."
Lisa was feeling oddly empty. What would have happened if she hadn't gone to the doctor?
"We can get you into chemo as soon as next week, and then over the next few months, we'll be able to shrink the tumor until we can get rid of it."
She wanted it gone now. She had stronger medication now to ease the pain, but it would be months before it was actually gone. Why would it take so long?
This Is A Call/The Last Night
"She fooled all of her friends into thinking she's so strong,
but she still sleeps with her light on,
and she acts like
It's all right on, as she smiles again and her mother lies there sick with cancer,
and her friends don't understand her,
she's a question without answers,
who feels like falling apart.
She knows, she's so much more than worthless,
but she needs to find her purpose,
she wonders what she did to deserve this"
~"This Is A Call" - Thousand Foot Krutch
I went to see the band Skillet in concert a couple of weeks ago. They sang the song "The Last Night" and for some reason I got flashbacks of a night 6 years ago when I sang my heart out to a similar song. My high school friends and I used to listen to Skillet and Thousand Foot Krutch interchangeably. We still do, but not as frequently. "The Last Night" tells the story of a girl who comes to her Savior in need of salvation. She's hurting so much that she needs it to end. Both songs produce the same emotions in me.
I am one of those people who associates songs with emotions and memories. "This Is A Call" spoke to me during a time in my life when I went through hell. My mom didn't physically have cancer, but she mentally had cancer. She was addicted to drugs and I spent most of my nights at home alone and crying myself to sleep.
"You come to me with scars on your wrist
You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this
I just came to say goodbye
I didn't want you to see me cry, I'm fine
But I know it's a lie"
~ "The Last Night" - Skillet
I didn't physically have scars on my wrists, but I had scars on my heart. There were so many nights I remember lying awake praying to God to make it end. I wanted to be without pain. I wanted to be where I was loved.
About six years ago I found myself driving to a Christian club in Minneapolis to see Thousand Foot Krutch and Hawk Nelson in concert. I was in high school; it must have been either my senior or junior year. I was with my three best friends: Aimee (my life in a nutshell), Nate (my chemistry buddy), and Joe (the nerd on crutches...because he jumped out of a tree).
So here the three of us were, in this packed night club, with Joe on crutches, trying to find a good view of the band. We all were super excited for the concert. We sang along at the top of our lungs to every song. We got the CD and a t-shirt. And then they played my song. It was one of the most perfect moments of my junior/senior year. God touched my soul in that moment and told me that I was loved beyond measure. I raised my hands into the air and all of my friends laid their hands on me. I called and He answered.
Aimee, Nate, and Joe are three of my best friends still to this day. It's been what? Six, seven years? I think we have lasted so long because we have all needed each other, and each of us has provided for the other in their time of need.
What I would love to be taken away from this story is the power of community. My friends have changed my life and I would not be the person I am today without them. I pray that everyone is able to find friends that care deeply for their personalities, their hurts, their struggles, and their souls. I trust that God will provide.
but she still sleeps with her light on,
and she acts like
It's all right on, as she smiles again and her mother lies there sick with cancer,
and her friends don't understand her,
she's a question without answers,
who feels like falling apart.
She knows, she's so much more than worthless,
but she needs to find her purpose,
she wonders what she did to deserve this"
~"This Is A Call" - Thousand Foot Krutch
I went to see the band Skillet in concert a couple of weeks ago. They sang the song "The Last Night" and for some reason I got flashbacks of a night 6 years ago when I sang my heart out to a similar song. My high school friends and I used to listen to Skillet and Thousand Foot Krutch interchangeably. We still do, but not as frequently. "The Last Night" tells the story of a girl who comes to her Savior in need of salvation. She's hurting so much that she needs it to end. Both songs produce the same emotions in me.
I am one of those people who associates songs with emotions and memories. "This Is A Call" spoke to me during a time in my life when I went through hell. My mom didn't physically have cancer, but she mentally had cancer. She was addicted to drugs and I spent most of my nights at home alone and crying myself to sleep.
"You come to me with scars on your wrist
You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this
I just came to say goodbye
I didn't want you to see me cry, I'm fine
But I know it's a lie"
~ "The Last Night" - Skillet
I didn't physically have scars on my wrists, but I had scars on my heart. There were so many nights I remember lying awake praying to God to make it end. I wanted to be without pain. I wanted to be where I was loved.
About six years ago I found myself driving to a Christian club in Minneapolis to see Thousand Foot Krutch and Hawk Nelson in concert. I was in high school; it must have been either my senior or junior year. I was with my three best friends: Aimee (my life in a nutshell), Nate (my chemistry buddy), and Joe (the nerd on crutches...because he jumped out of a tree).
So here the three of us were, in this packed night club, with Joe on crutches, trying to find a good view of the band. We all were super excited for the concert. We sang along at the top of our lungs to every song. We got the CD and a t-shirt. And then they played my song. It was one of the most perfect moments of my junior/senior year. God touched my soul in that moment and told me that I was loved beyond measure. I raised my hands into the air and all of my friends laid their hands on me. I called and He answered.
Aimee, Nate, and Joe are three of my best friends still to this day. It's been what? Six, seven years? I think we have lasted so long because we have all needed each other, and each of us has provided for the other in their time of need.
What I would love to be taken away from this story is the power of community. My friends have changed my life and I would not be the person I am today without them. I pray that everyone is able to find friends that care deeply for their personalities, their hurts, their struggles, and their souls. I trust that God will provide.
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