Faithful

There is a song by Matt Redman called "Never Once." It goes like this:

 

Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

My story, my testimony, is a testament to God's faithfulness. Do you really think that coincidences like that would happen if it weren't for a higher power? An ultimate Creator? Let's look at some of them.

The presence of my grandma, my aunt, my cousin, my best friend in middle school all who brought me to church, who brought me to Christ. They all gave me a sense of hope that life can get better and that life is better when you follow God.

The ability to ignore the pain, a defense mechanism that was needed in those moments. Humans are blessed to be able to have defense mechanisms that protect them from feeling the full effects of pain in their everyday lives.

Providing me the cry of my heart, to be a part of a church family, to feel welcome and at home in a place where I knew I was loved. My youth group became that place for me. My youth director and leaders and peers became brothers, sisters, mentors, friends, fathers, and mothers to me. They loved me without needing to know my history. They didn't question my home life or where I came from. They didn't judge me and they wouldn't leave me.

Making trustworthy, true, genuine, loving, faithful friends at exactly the right time. I have never had truer friendships and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will remain friends with these people my entire life. They won't leave me after awhile, they won't abandon me, and they won't choose other things over our friendship.

A place to stay when I needed it. A safe haven, a refuge, and a home where I belonged. I wasn't homeless. I was protected in this place. I still am...I live there when I'm not at school, 7 1/2 years later.

A family that was willing to become my family. Aimee's mom became my mom. She has shown me what it means to have a loving, unconditional, faithful mother who loves and cares for me. She has provided so much for me. She has become my true mom. And Aimee's siblings have become mine. I've learned life skills from them that I never would have learned anywhere else. I love them, I hurt with them, I rejoice with them, and I get excited for them. They are mine.

The things that I didn't mention: 

-People in my life who love me but are willing to call me out on the things I need to change.

-More friendships that have taught me about true friendship.

-Healing from my past and growing in forgiveness for those who have hurt me. It couldn't have happened without His help.

-Money, food, and a place to stay when I have needed it most.

-A school where I love to learn and continue to thrive.

What other evidence do you need that there is a God? Are these things still coincidence? There is a reason that I no longer doubt there is a God. My life is His testimony. He is a part of me and my life. He's been there all along. And it's all been Him. Without Him I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't be able to have the joy, empathy, love, acceptance, patience, and trust that I do.

I told you in the last blog that I would come back to the father issue. If you had asked me in 9th grade what I thought a father was, it would be a lot different than my definition today. A father is someone who is intentional and makes time for his family and puts them above everything else (Mike). A father is someone who never gives up on you and sees your potential long before you see the potential in yourself (Eric). A father is someone who cares for you no matter what you do and is willing to joke and have fun, but also requires obedience (my grandpa). A father is someone who provides for you, who will take you back no matter what you do, who is faithful and strong and trustworthy, among so many other things (God).

Thank you, God. May my life continue to emanate your presence.

My Story

Not many people know my testimony. Pretty much only the people I'm really really close with. I tend to keep my already friends close and not let anyone new in. There's a reason for that. I would say it's one of my biggest weaknesses. But God works through my weaknesses. In my weakness He is strong. So this is a story about His strength, His provision, and His faithfulness.
My parents were never married when I was born, so from the start I never had a reliable father. My mom and dad broke up after a couple years and I've only seen him off and on since. My mom has had multiple boyfriends since then, most of them were never great role models or worthy of being called my dad. Some of them were abusive, some were alcoholics, some were drug addicts. But mainly they were all not-good-dads. I learned from them about the type of father that I didn't want. I'll come back to this more later.
My grandma and my aunt and cousin were the main reason I came to know Jesus. My grandma was Catholic and went to church every Sunday morning - 7:00 A.M. She made sure that I came with her, and when I was old enough, that I went to First Communion classes. My aunt was very strong in her faith and had homeschooled my cousins and was raising them to have solid relationships with Jesus. I spent the majority of my time at her house because my cousin Sara and I were best friends and close in age. I went to church with them whenever I was over, and even went to Vacation Bible School a couple times. As I grew up I built a solid foundation, so that when I was home with my mom I maintained my zeal. My faith became very much my own from a young age and just continued to grow. I read my Bible without anyone telling me. I prayed every night before I went to bed. A relationship with God felt so much more different than a relationship with anyone else.
As I entered middle school and my teenage years, life became tougher. My mom and I had just moved into a new house (our fourth move since I was a kid), her boyfriend had moved with us, and I was starting middle school. This boyfriend was abusive, especially when he drank, and I learned how to read the signs and stay in my room with my headphones on. I started talking to boys I liked (a big step for me, but not necessarily a healthy one). And I spent most of my time with my friends or talking on the phone to my cousin Sara. She helped keep me stable and helped turn me back to God when that was what I really needed.
In 8th grade, my best friend asked me to go to confirmation class with her at her church. I jumped on the opportunity to learn about God and get to spend more time away from home. That year my mom broke up with her abusive boyfriend and less than a year later found another man. Immediately they got serious and he moved in with us even though I told her I didn't want him to. I poured myself into reading my Bible and journaling out my feelings and prayers. My talking with God started to become more heartfelt and genuine and my greatest desire was to become a member of my friend's church family. I wanted a place where I belonged and I had read about youth groups being like families. I wanted a stable family, a place where I felt I belonged.
God hears the cries of innocent hearts. The groans of my Spirit were heard. However, it's always darkest before the dawn. High school began and for some reason my friends were changing. They didn't want to hang out with me as much. They were interested in different things, like boys and makeup and clothes. I wanted to go to church and read my Bible. Home had become like hell. My mom's new boyfriend would spend most of his time in our spare bedroom (which happened to be next to my room) or sleeping. My mom went through multiple jobs that year, she slept when she wasn't working, and when she did pay attention to me we would end up fighting. Her screaming at me and me ignoring her and staying silent. I joined the youth group at my friend's church, though she didn't go anymore, and still didn't make any really good friends.
That summer I decided to go on a trip with my new youth group. It was a 9 day long mystery road trip. None of the kids got to know where we were going, though it was somewhere out of state, but the parents got to know. I didn't really know anyone that went on the trip but I decided that maybe I would meet some new people and it would be a fun experience. I knew some kids from school though didn't really talk to them. At the end of the 9 days I had met Aimee, Nate, and Joe, as well as others, who 8 years later are still my best friends.
Even though I had new friends, that didn't mean that home life got any better. A year later I found out that my mom was using meth as well as other drugs. There is a sense of abandonment and jealousy when a child finds out that their parent has been loving something else more than them. I spent most of my nights crying myself to sleep. I spent my day after school locked in my room, not allowing anyone in. I would talk to my friends at youth group and at church. I prayed for my pain to stop. I journaled and read my Bible with a vengeance. When I was at home, God was my constant.
The summer after my junior year in high school I was spending nearly every weekend at Aimee's house. My mom was still using and she spent most of her time sleeping while I was home. I generally avoided her. One day she awoke in a fury and we got into a really nasty fight that ended in her hitting me, something she'd never done up until then. That was the last straw. That night I packed up all of my necessities and in the morning packed them in my car, left my mom a note, and drove to Aimee's. Her family was welcoming. I don't know why God provided me with a safe place and a safe family at exactly that moment, but he did. My mom was apologetic but a few months later she ended up in prison for selling meth. And again I was grateful that God had provided a place for me.
My senior year was another tough time. It's easier to say that you'd love to live with your best friend, but harder to do. Especially since I was used to living pretty much independently without thinking about anyone else. Aimee had siblings that soon were expected to become my siblings. I'd never had siblings before. I didn't know how to react to them. Her mom was unconditionally loving and accepting. She worked hard to include me and treat me as her own. I didn't know how to respond to a mom who wanted to be involved in my life. Not to mention I was a senior in high school, struggling to figure out my future. Needless to say, I had come to a refuge but was still stuck in the storm. God had blessed me immensely. He had provided everything for me.
I don't know why people suffer or why bad things happen to good/innocent people, but I also don't know why I survived with a pure heart. I should have been bitter and angry and spiraled downward into depression. I should still be in that place. However, that's not where my story ends.

The surreal...

As I said before, Joe and I were good friends before we decided to start dating. Our friendship began about 5 years before we started dating, in fact. I have so many memories of us. The following summer road trip (after the one where we met) was also an interesting one. It's the one where I fully developed my crush and where we fully developed our friendship.
There are too many details to go into in describing that road trip. We ended up in Wyoming that summer and one of our vans got into an accident that essentially brought all of us who had been familiar acquaintances closer together. Aimee and I truly became best friends. Nate and I became like brother and sister. And Joe and I almost started dating then. All I can say is that he was a flirt. And one day during lunch apparently Aimee had asked him if he and I were going to be the next church couple. To which he replied, "maybe."
Neither of us were anywhere close to ready to date at that point. We were just 16 and had never been in relationships before and barely knew anything about the opposite gender. But that's when my crush formed and it never ended. Even when I became so upset that I ended our friendship. Even the countless times we drew boundaries in our friendship because we didn't want to spend so much time by ourselves. Even when he told me that he didn't like me as any more than a friend. Even when I started to like another guy and told him I was over him. I lied to myself. And for whatever reason, he started liking me as more than a friend.
Because of all that we've been through as friends it's still hard to believe that we're more than friends. Almost every day I'm in awe of the fact that we are dating, hopefully on our way to marriage someday. It is surreal. As if one day the guy I had a crush on tries to make me not like him, and then the next I wake up and he thinks I'm absolutely captivating. I feel like pinching myself because it feels so much like a dream.
I'd like to think that this is what God has intended for me all along. Every relationship should feel like the best dream ever. And every day you should truly be excited to wake up to the reality that you are with the man of your dreams. This is my fairy tale. Like it came straight from the mind of a creative, innovative Author.

The beginning...

On the holiday of Saint Valentine's day with the focus on love, I decided I would talk about my relationship. In two weeks will be mine and Joe's 2 year anniversary. However, our relationship began a long time before that. We'd been friends for 5 years before we started dating. And that's pretty much when I developed a crush on him too. The other day I went way back and remembered a memory I had forgotten about. The day that Joe and I met.
Every summer our church goes on a one week mystery road trip across the country. This began, what? More than ten years ago? Something like that... And every summer during my high school years I went on this mystery road trip. The parents and adult leaders get to know where you go, but the youth in youth group don't get to. The summer after my ninth grade year I really didn't have any friends in my youth group, so going on a one week trip with people I didn't know was quite frightening. But my goal was to meet people and make friends.
That road trip we went to Michigan and worked at many service projects along the way, including a Habitat for Humanity home and a nursing home. During the Habitat project is when I met my best friend and sister Aimee. Later that week our group ended up going to a bowling place. Aimee and I played a game of pool in the meantime. Aimee was already acquainted with and friends with Nate, who came to join us. And because of Nate, Joe came to join us, who Aimee was also already friends with. That was the very first time that Joe and I were formally introduced. These three people would become my best friends in high school.
Now I've always been one of those girls who if a boy stares at her for too long, she thinks they like her. I've had crushes on way too many boys because of this. On the very last day of our trip, our group spent the night in some quiet time with God, reading our Bibles and reflecting on the trip. At one point during my quiet time I just happened to look up and notice that Joe was staring at me. For whatever reason- he was searching for someone else, his eyes just happened to land on me at that exact moment, he actually was staring at me- our eyes met. And I thought that maybe I would give this guy a chance. The following summer on road trip is when we became best friends and I developed a real crush on him. That lasted 5 years and beyond.
There is a disclaimer that goes along with this story. I had a crush on my best friend for 5 years before we started dating. There were so many times when I realized that I should just give up and look for someone else. The pain and heartache is not worth it. Joe was hell-bent on making me not like him. It hurt, a lot, and I wished I had just let go of that friendship because I knew that we could never be just friends. I liked him too much and in order for me to stop liking him, we needed to not hang out all the time.
My story is a very unique one. And for whatever reason, God kept us hanging on and developed more than just a friendship. But it took 5 years to get there. I do not, by any means, promote girls getting their hopes up in a boy they have a crush on who doesn't like them back, thinking that someday (five years down the road) that he'll end up liking her back. Highly unlikely. There is probably another guy out there waiting to make you his princess. But you need to let go of the guy you are enamored with in order to find him.
I love my boyfriend very much and as my story is a minority, I need to make it clear that it wasn't easy. It's still not easy. But he is my best friend. And this relationship still feels so surreal. Is this actually happening? He holds me and whispers affirmations to me every 5 minutes and comforts me and knows the look on my face and accepts my crazy playfulness. He makes me laugh and tells me he loves me every time we talk. He makes me feel important, like I'm the only girl in the world, his girl.
So, on this day of commercial advertisement of love, I shared with you my love story. There's more to it, and in the coming weeks leading up to our two year anniversary I'll share more of our story. And know that neither Joe nor I condone Valentine's Day as the only day to celebrate. We declare our love every day.