"We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all the mysteries, and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We are made to be lovers, bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home." - Jamie Tworkowski
This week my heart is breaking. Empathy has become such a rejected emotion. All I want to do is run from it; run far away to somewhere safe, where I can be free from the pull of relationships. As people we live in relationships and communities where we are connected with others. We each have our own lives, our own stories that we bring to the table. I bring my mess into my relationships, especially my close ones. Many times I will enter into a "surface" relationship where I will care about a person but not really get to know their story. And they won't have to know mine. We will live in the clean, spotless relationship where there is no dependency. We say to one another, "I don't really need you, but I enjoy having you around. You make me feel loved." How many other humans feel this same way? Probably far too many. We go about life, not wanting to share our mess. We don't want to trust anyone or have the awkwardness of needing comfort or love from them. What if...heaven forbid...they see our tears or our anger or our depression! Then they will know that I don't have it all together. They'll know that I'm not perfect. Because my outer character portrayed my independence so well.
I tend to shy away from tears. When a friend is struggling, I definitely try my best to "get to the heart" of things, but really all I want to do is hide. I want to cry for them and their pain, but I don't want to see them cry. Usually I just push past my own discomfort and ask them about their tears anyway. I try to act like it's natural, their pain, and get to what's really going on. This usually results in me being more serious than I wanted to be. I feel standoff-ish and inadequate. Because really, I don't know how to fix it. I don't want you to feel pain or hurt or experience tears, but what can I do? I want to share your burden with you, pray for you, hurt with you, but how often when I ask, "What can I do?" will you respond with, "You can hold me"?
And I feel so much anguish. You don't know that I feel what you feel because I have been there. I've experienced rejection and rage and shame and numbness. It's been so real that I could taste it. I've laid in bed and cried myself to sleep so many times. I've felt so alone that I wondered whether there would ever be anyone out there who could possibly understand the absolute breaking of my soul in that moment. It hurts. More than physical pain, it hurts. Like my heart hurts now. Because I don't know how to fix you. Or even how to help you.
I fully believe that God has given me a unique spiritual gift. I believe that he gives everyone unique spiritual gifts and that no two are alike. Mine is discernment. Looking into people's lives and discovering their pain and why it's there. This amplifies my empathy. I can SEE your brokenness and I can FEEL it also. I want you to know something: your story matters. And YOU matter. You have a purpose and a reason. So does your brokenness.
These last two months I've taken a lot of time to look at my weaknesses throughout the years. I'm turning 25 in less than a month and at times I feel like I'm turning 60. I have experienced life. I can't say that I've been where you've been or done what you've done. But I can say that my experiences have brought me the understanding of a 60 year old. Or at least a 30 year old. Ha!
Yet God has redeemed me. It's so amazing to think about. He takes your story, your life, and uses it to bless others. All of your pain, all of the life lessons and experiences that you've been through, he turns around and uses to teach others. How can that possibly happen? My pain, that absolute tearing of my soul, God is using to help others. I can now help others because of my own experiences. Without relationships and community, how could that happen? If you don't let others in, if you keep those surface relationships, how will you ever know if that person is struggling with something you've been through? Even just knowing that you aren't alone is sometimes enough. But how will you ever know if you don't open up and trust?
My fear of tears is often about me rather than about the other person. It's selfish, I'll admit. Because I hate mess. But just think about it: if that person were never asked what's underneath, would they ever share? What if you have something to offer them through their pain? What if they need what you have to offer? How will you ever know unless you try?
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Patience
In the last couple of weeks I've seen and heard numerous people complaining about having to be patient. "Don't pray for patience, God will give you opportunities to practice it," or, "I hate being patient." It seems that the people I know hate being patient or even praying for patience (despite the fact that they thought about praying for it in the first place). The most common problem I hear, especially from Christians is "If I pray for patience, God won't give me it, but he'll give me opportunities to practice it." I love how patience is not something to be desired but instead something to be complained about.
Don't get me wrong. I am not standing on my pedestal judging others for being impatient. I am simply pointing out an ironic fact. I have definitely had my fair share of having to be patient so I understand how hard it is at times. However, let me share a few stories:
My boyfriend is the most patient person I know. I have never met anyone who is as laid-back and understanding and encouraging as Joe is. He's taught me more about patience in the 8 years I've known him than I could probably have learned in one lifetime without him. He knows the meaning of the words "waiting on God" and I admire him so much for trusting in God blindly even when he had no idea where his future would lead. In high school he never had a clear picture of what he wanted to do. He didn't want to end up doing something that God didn't approve of. God didn't give him the big picture but instead took him by the hand and led him baby step by baby step through the last 10 years.
When I was in high school, living with my mom was always a challenge. At the time the doctors thought she was bi-polar which meant her moods could shift quickly. It was always unpredictable, especially when she told me to do something. I definitely couldn't waist time in doing it or I would receive the wrath of my mother. I remember fighting with her over trivial things like doing the dishes or not waking her up from a nap. I would always end up biting my tongue and not saying what I really wanted to say to her because I knew our arguments would never end. It's that sense of tension that you get in your shoulders and chest when you are so frustrated but can't do anything about it. And then someone tells you to be patient...
Joe and I began dating when we were both 21. We had been friends since our junior year in high school, so we already knew each other quite well before we dated. Within the first couple of months we established that we would be dating with the intent of marriage. However, marriage wasn't even an option until we were both out of college. Joe was already a sophomore in college at the time, and I was taking a break from school to work. I figured we would have 2 years at the most. You see, I already knew that Joe was the one that I wanted to be with. God definitely had a different plan. The spring after we began dating I got accepted to a college 2 1/2 hours away from his. With a minimum of 4 years of school. Joe ended up adding another major to his program and gained an additional 3 years of school. My plans didn't work out. And long distance relationships teach patience.
When I say I understand patience, I don't exaggerate. Joe wasn't the boyfriend that I expected when we first started dating. But every time I asked God if I was doing the right thing, he would say, "Just wait. Trust me." And Joe has grown into the man I need. I didn't expect to be in college until I was 25 years old. But though I am ready to be done, God is telling me that my work here is not done. Going to a small Christian college isn't always easy. In the last 2 1/2 years I've been here there have been probably 25 engagements or more, and most of those couples have been married by now. I keep asking God, "When will it be my turn? When will I be one of those people?" And he replies with, "Just wait. Trust me."
When I hear people complain about having to be patient, I inwardly chuckle. Do you really know what it's like? Or is patience simply waiting in line at the grocery store? To bring up a Biblical example: Israel had to wait for their Messiah for thousands of years. The Jews wandered in the wilderness for 40 years before they could enter the Promised Land. Abraham was told that his descendants would be as numerous as the stars. God told him to sacrifice his one and only son. Yet, he provided.
I don't want to trivialize your problems or make them seem like they're not important, but I wonder if we as humans (as Americans especially) even know the meaning of patience. We live in a consumer-driven age where we can literally have anything we want anytime we want it. If we are hungry we can get in our cars and drive to a fast food restaurant. If we need to talk to someone we can text them or call them on our cell phones. It seems like everyone is so busy that not only can we not make time to slow down, but we don't know how to. We have our jobs, our families, our meetings, our sports, our classes, our events and activities. There is so much that fills our time and our lives that we forget how to slow down. And then we complain about having to be patient.
I try not to be hypocritical. Therefore, everything that I have mentioned above is true of me also. I struggle with patience daily. But then I have my boyfriend and my God remind me of why I need to be. Because the rewards are worth it. God will provide. Jesus came to save the Jews and the world. The Israelites got to enter the Promised Land and have their own nation to call home. Joe is figuring out his future as a Physics teacher. And I will eventually get married. And it will all be worth it. When that does happen, I will forget about how long I had to wait because it won't have mattered. Right now, patience seems like a small price to pay for a worthy reward.
Don't get me wrong. I am not standing on my pedestal judging others for being impatient. I am simply pointing out an ironic fact. I have definitely had my fair share of having to be patient so I understand how hard it is at times. However, let me share a few stories:
My boyfriend is the most patient person I know. I have never met anyone who is as laid-back and understanding and encouraging as Joe is. He's taught me more about patience in the 8 years I've known him than I could probably have learned in one lifetime without him. He knows the meaning of the words "waiting on God" and I admire him so much for trusting in God blindly even when he had no idea where his future would lead. In high school he never had a clear picture of what he wanted to do. He didn't want to end up doing something that God didn't approve of. God didn't give him the big picture but instead took him by the hand and led him baby step by baby step through the last 10 years.
When I was in high school, living with my mom was always a challenge. At the time the doctors thought she was bi-polar which meant her moods could shift quickly. It was always unpredictable, especially when she told me to do something. I definitely couldn't waist time in doing it or I would receive the wrath of my mother. I remember fighting with her over trivial things like doing the dishes or not waking her up from a nap. I would always end up biting my tongue and not saying what I really wanted to say to her because I knew our arguments would never end. It's that sense of tension that you get in your shoulders and chest when you are so frustrated but can't do anything about it. And then someone tells you to be patient...
Joe and I began dating when we were both 21. We had been friends since our junior year in high school, so we already knew each other quite well before we dated. Within the first couple of months we established that we would be dating with the intent of marriage. However, marriage wasn't even an option until we were both out of college. Joe was already a sophomore in college at the time, and I was taking a break from school to work. I figured we would have 2 years at the most. You see, I already knew that Joe was the one that I wanted to be with. God definitely had a different plan. The spring after we began dating I got accepted to a college 2 1/2 hours away from his. With a minimum of 4 years of school. Joe ended up adding another major to his program and gained an additional 3 years of school. My plans didn't work out. And long distance relationships teach patience.
When I say I understand patience, I don't exaggerate. Joe wasn't the boyfriend that I expected when we first started dating. But every time I asked God if I was doing the right thing, he would say, "Just wait. Trust me." And Joe has grown into the man I need. I didn't expect to be in college until I was 25 years old. But though I am ready to be done, God is telling me that my work here is not done. Going to a small Christian college isn't always easy. In the last 2 1/2 years I've been here there have been probably 25 engagements or more, and most of those couples have been married by now. I keep asking God, "When will it be my turn? When will I be one of those people?" And he replies with, "Just wait. Trust me."
When I hear people complain about having to be patient, I inwardly chuckle. Do you really know what it's like? Or is patience simply waiting in line at the grocery store? To bring up a Biblical example: Israel had to wait for their Messiah for thousands of years. The Jews wandered in the wilderness for 40 years before they could enter the Promised Land. Abraham was told that his descendants would be as numerous as the stars. God told him to sacrifice his one and only son. Yet, he provided.
I don't want to trivialize your problems or make them seem like they're not important, but I wonder if we as humans (as Americans especially) even know the meaning of patience. We live in a consumer-driven age where we can literally have anything we want anytime we want it. If we are hungry we can get in our cars and drive to a fast food restaurant. If we need to talk to someone we can text them or call them on our cell phones. It seems like everyone is so busy that not only can we not make time to slow down, but we don't know how to. We have our jobs, our families, our meetings, our sports, our classes, our events and activities. There is so much that fills our time and our lives that we forget how to slow down. And then we complain about having to be patient.
I try not to be hypocritical. Therefore, everything that I have mentioned above is true of me also. I struggle with patience daily. But then I have my boyfriend and my God remind me of why I need to be. Because the rewards are worth it. God will provide. Jesus came to save the Jews and the world. The Israelites got to enter the Promised Land and have their own nation to call home. Joe is figuring out his future as a Physics teacher. And I will eventually get married. And it will all be worth it. When that does happen, I will forget about how long I had to wait because it won't have mattered. Right now, patience seems like a small price to pay for a worthy reward.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Selfishness
I read a friend's blog the other day that inspired the following. After discussing the concept with my close friend, I realized that SO many people, especially someone really close to me, fall under the category that I'm going to describe. I even do at times. I won't name the person I'm ranting about nor will I apologize for my bluntness or my anger. The following is an excerpt from my journal entry.
"...[Her] relationship with God has been a facade. Has she really ever had a "relationship" with God? One that's two-sided? Or has it always been selfish? Her reading into situations or experiences for her own benefit? Seeing God's hand in something he had nothing to do with? Making a religion or "perceived relationship" out of her own selfish desires? It really has nothing to do with God, only that she can get something she wants out of it. And when she doesn't, she gives up and ignores him, like so many others. Really. How many people in our world today seek religion to get something out of it? Too many. That's why there are so many different religions. Our culture is becoming more and more narcissistic, egotistical, and humanistic, to the point where a religion where we're required to be selfless and possibly give something of ourselves is becoming irrelevant. It makes me want to cry. And that's how our religion is different than others.
...However, our religion requires everything of us. Our God sent his son to die for us, out of selfless love. He saved us from our depravity because he loves us. And he requires selfless love in return. How many other religions can say that? Realizing this makes me wish I really did know more about that other world religions. (My own knowledge is limited). Last weekend I watched Eat Pray Love, and it had the same effect on me. The main character feels this void, this hole, like she knows she's missing something and she tries different things to try and fill it. She's not happy with her husband, so she divorces him. She meets another man who she immediately rebounds to which doesn't work out. So she travels to Italy and eats and makes friends and learns Italian, but feels so alone. She travels to India where she seeks spirituality, meets friends, forgives her ex-husband and herself, but still hasn't found what she's looking for. She finally ends up in Bali where she befriends a medicine man and meditates often in a desperate attempt to feel "balance" in her life. Whatever that is... She finally meets a man who sweeps her off her feet and shares so many things in common with her, she knows it's meant to be. After a conflict, some indecision, and an epiphany, she realizes he is the one she's been searching for. The movie was well written and interesting but made me so very sad. How many people in this world are searching for something to fill them and seeking all the wrong things? How many are selfishly saying, "I NEED something to fill the hole, numb the pain, fill in the blank...", and are seeking selfishly? They want a quick fix, but don't want to change. Because, really there's nothing wrong with them, there's something wrong with the world! I shouldn't have to change when there's nothing wrong with me, I'm just lonely and someone or something NEEDS to fill my hole for me. I'm disgusted. And yet I do it too.
"It's all about me!" We cry out and yet there are children with AIDS in Africa whose families have been killed in mass genocides. Our neighbors were abused as children and now get drunk and high every night because they can't move past the pain. Our siblings compare themselves to the physical beauties of this world because they've been addicted to porn and have seen that that's the only way to get love, through physical appearance. Our world...is such a sad, scary, lonely place. And yet, there's a religion, a MAN who gives us hope. Hope that we can be saved from our loneliness, hope that we can feel loved and important, and hope that this sad, scary, lonely place isn't all there is. He simply asks us to love him in return. To truly love him. And really, how hard is that? When we put so much effort into making ourselves look beautiful or strong according to the world's standards. We put on masks everyday to hide our pain because we're afraid we won't be accepted exactly as we are.We pour ourselves into sports, school, work, busyness, so we don't have to think about our pain and discontent. How hard is it to simply love Another? An excuse may be that one doesn't know hot to love...or trust enough to love, rather. If you can love your addiction to video games, food, sports, pornography, twitter, lust, fantasizing, sex, drugs, or alcohol, then why can't you put that much devotion and effort into loving God who will actually fill your void for you and love you in return? My point is that Christianity, no faith in God, a relationship with him, requires us to be selfless. We must give something of ourselves in order to fill the hole. You can't, no matter how hard you try, fix it yourself. You must seek God to fill it. He's not going to impose himself on you. You must seek Him. And keep seeking Him. Don't expect Him to automatically fill your void for you without work. It takes work. Every religion, every thing we do, takes work. If you can creatively formulate a lie to make yourself look good in a job interview, then you can put effort into a relationship with God. He wants you. He wants your whole life. He loves you. He's loved you since the beginning. He saved your from this life of pain and loneliness. And yet you reject his help. How's that working out for you? Is your life getting easier? Are you succeeding in fixing it on your own? Is your selfishness making you less lonely or getting you what you want? Hmm...didn't think so. There's Someone waiting for you. Patiently waiting."
If it's not obvious, I've keenly become aware of my own selfishness and desire for God to fulfill my needs without ever giving him anything in return. He needs to give me it because I want it and deserve it, that's why. How disgustingly selfish. So if it seems that I'm judging the person I am referring to above, I am...but I am also judging myself. We all fall under this category at some time or another. Selfless faith seems to be against our human nature. I pray that everyone who reads this can learn from it and grow a more healthy faith life.
"...[Her] relationship with God has been a facade. Has she really ever had a "relationship" with God? One that's two-sided? Or has it always been selfish? Her reading into situations or experiences for her own benefit? Seeing God's hand in something he had nothing to do with? Making a religion or "perceived relationship" out of her own selfish desires? It really has nothing to do with God, only that she can get something she wants out of it. And when she doesn't, she gives up and ignores him, like so many others. Really. How many people in our world today seek religion to get something out of it? Too many. That's why there are so many different religions. Our culture is becoming more and more narcissistic, egotistical, and humanistic, to the point where a religion where we're required to be selfless and possibly give something of ourselves is becoming irrelevant. It makes me want to cry. And that's how our religion is different than others.
...However, our religion requires everything of us. Our God sent his son to die for us, out of selfless love. He saved us from our depravity because he loves us. And he requires selfless love in return. How many other religions can say that? Realizing this makes me wish I really did know more about that other world religions. (My own knowledge is limited). Last weekend I watched Eat Pray Love, and it had the same effect on me. The main character feels this void, this hole, like she knows she's missing something and she tries different things to try and fill it. She's not happy with her husband, so she divorces him. She meets another man who she immediately rebounds to which doesn't work out. So she travels to Italy and eats and makes friends and learns Italian, but feels so alone. She travels to India where she seeks spirituality, meets friends, forgives her ex-husband and herself, but still hasn't found what she's looking for. She finally ends up in Bali where she befriends a medicine man and meditates often in a desperate attempt to feel "balance" in her life. Whatever that is... She finally meets a man who sweeps her off her feet and shares so many things in common with her, she knows it's meant to be. After a conflict, some indecision, and an epiphany, she realizes he is the one she's been searching for. The movie was well written and interesting but made me so very sad. How many people in this world are searching for something to fill them and seeking all the wrong things? How many are selfishly saying, "I NEED something to fill the hole, numb the pain, fill in the blank...", and are seeking selfishly? They want a quick fix, but don't want to change. Because, really there's nothing wrong with them, there's something wrong with the world! I shouldn't have to change when there's nothing wrong with me, I'm just lonely and someone or something NEEDS to fill my hole for me. I'm disgusted. And yet I do it too.
"It's all about me!" We cry out and yet there are children with AIDS in Africa whose families have been killed in mass genocides. Our neighbors were abused as children and now get drunk and high every night because they can't move past the pain. Our siblings compare themselves to the physical beauties of this world because they've been addicted to porn and have seen that that's the only way to get love, through physical appearance. Our world...is such a sad, scary, lonely place. And yet, there's a religion, a MAN who gives us hope. Hope that we can be saved from our loneliness, hope that we can feel loved and important, and hope that this sad, scary, lonely place isn't all there is. He simply asks us to love him in return. To truly love him. And really, how hard is that? When we put so much effort into making ourselves look beautiful or strong according to the world's standards. We put on masks everyday to hide our pain because we're afraid we won't be accepted exactly as we are.We pour ourselves into sports, school, work, busyness, so we don't have to think about our pain and discontent. How hard is it to simply love Another? An excuse may be that one doesn't know hot to love...or trust enough to love, rather. If you can love your addiction to video games, food, sports, pornography, twitter, lust, fantasizing, sex, drugs, or alcohol, then why can't you put that much devotion and effort into loving God who will actually fill your void for you and love you in return? My point is that Christianity, no faith in God, a relationship with him, requires us to be selfless. We must give something of ourselves in order to fill the hole. You can't, no matter how hard you try, fix it yourself. You must seek God to fill it. He's not going to impose himself on you. You must seek Him. And keep seeking Him. Don't expect Him to automatically fill your void for you without work. It takes work. Every religion, every thing we do, takes work. If you can creatively formulate a lie to make yourself look good in a job interview, then you can put effort into a relationship with God. He wants you. He wants your whole life. He loves you. He's loved you since the beginning. He saved your from this life of pain and loneliness. And yet you reject his help. How's that working out for you? Is your life getting easier? Are you succeeding in fixing it on your own? Is your selfishness making you less lonely or getting you what you want? Hmm...didn't think so. There's Someone waiting for you. Patiently waiting."
If it's not obvious, I've keenly become aware of my own selfishness and desire for God to fulfill my needs without ever giving him anything in return. He needs to give me it because I want it and deserve it, that's why. How disgustingly selfish. So if it seems that I'm judging the person I am referring to above, I am...but I am also judging myself. We all fall under this category at some time or another. Selfless faith seems to be against our human nature. I pray that everyone who reads this can learn from it and grow a more healthy faith life.
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