"We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all the mysteries, and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We are made to be lovers, bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home." - Jamie Tworkowski
This week my heart is breaking. Empathy has become such a rejected emotion. All I want to do is run from it; run far away to somewhere safe, where I can be free from the pull of relationships. As people we live in relationships and communities where we are connected with others. We each have our own lives, our own stories that we bring to the table. I bring my mess into my relationships, especially my close ones. Many times I will enter into a "surface" relationship where I will care about a person but not really get to know their story. And they won't have to know mine. We will live in the clean, spotless relationship where there is no dependency. We say to one another, "I don't really need you, but I enjoy having you around. You make me feel loved." How many other humans feel this same way? Probably far too many. We go about life, not wanting to share our mess. We don't want to trust anyone or have the awkwardness of needing comfort or love from them. What if...heaven forbid...they see our tears or our anger or our depression! Then they will know that I don't have it all together. They'll know that I'm not perfect. Because my outer character portrayed my independence so well.
I tend to shy away from tears. When a friend is struggling, I definitely try my best to "get to the heart" of things, but really all I want to do is hide. I want to cry for them and their pain, but I don't want to see them cry. Usually I just push past my own discomfort and ask them about their tears anyway. I try to act like it's natural, their pain, and get to what's really going on. This usually results in me being more serious than I wanted to be. I feel standoff-ish and inadequate. Because really, I don't know how to fix it. I don't want you to feel pain or hurt or experience tears, but what can I do? I want to share your burden with you, pray for you, hurt with you, but how often when I ask, "What can I do?" will you respond with, "You can hold me"?
And I feel so much anguish. You don't know that I feel what you feel because I have been there. I've experienced rejection and rage and shame and numbness. It's been so real that I could taste it. I've laid in bed and cried myself to sleep so many times. I've felt so alone that I wondered whether there would ever be anyone out there who could possibly understand the absolute breaking of my soul in that moment. It hurts. More than physical pain, it hurts. Like my heart hurts now. Because I don't know how to fix you. Or even how to help you.
I fully believe that God has given me a unique spiritual gift. I believe that he gives everyone unique spiritual gifts and that no two are alike. Mine is discernment. Looking into people's lives and discovering their pain and why it's there. This amplifies my empathy. I can SEE your brokenness and I can FEEL it also. I want you to know something: your story matters. And YOU matter. You have a purpose and a reason. So does your brokenness.
These last two months I've taken a lot of time to look at my weaknesses throughout the years. I'm turning 25 in less than a month and at times I feel like I'm turning 60. I have experienced life. I can't say that I've been where you've been or done what you've done. But I can say that my experiences have brought me the understanding of a 60 year old. Or at least a 30 year old. Ha!
Yet God has redeemed me. It's so amazing to think about. He takes your story, your life, and uses it to bless others. All of your pain, all of the life lessons and experiences that you've been through, he turns around and uses to teach others. How can that possibly happen? My pain, that absolute tearing of my soul, God is using to help others. I can now help others because of my own experiences. Without relationships and community, how could that happen? If you don't let others in, if you keep those surface relationships, how will you ever know if that person is struggling with something you've been through? Even just knowing that you aren't alone is sometimes enough. But how will you ever know if you don't open up and trust?
My fear of tears is often about me rather than about the other person. It's selfish, I'll admit. Because I hate mess. But just think about it: if that person were never asked what's underneath, would they ever share? What if you have something to offer them through their pain? What if they need what you have to offer? How will you ever know unless you try?
